Good day!
I am still working on self forgiveness
Practicing ways by which I can feel things differently,
and to be ok with the fact that we are all here to serve as teachers for each other,
often having to make mistakes and be left with wisdom.
It's specially hard to know that animals (as well as children) are often
casualties for this learning, as we can't expect to know what to do until we are faced
with a specific situation we have never faced before,
and in the process of solving it, we can certainly count on unwise behavior,
out of ignorance (everything is a learning, remember?)
It is my hope that Creator makes everything ever so perfect that those who come
to teach us are able to withstand the storms we cause while we learn.
There's so much pain here but also so much beauty here.
I was thinking today how much I tried to do good by my dogs.
How I dedicated completely and unconditionally to have a place where they were
most comfortable and away from annoying humans who taxed us before
complaining even about natural dog communication aka barks, as if dogs are supposed
to be silent, even when taunted (as mine were, constantly, when I lived in a rental).
I gave the foods I thought were ideal, I took them to vets as often as I felt needed,
only to, years later, in their elder years, learn that I could have done
something else (not have gone to the vet), which could have prolonged their lives and made them
healthier (please see this group for more info).
I am still working on self forgiveness
Practicing ways by which I can feel things differently,
and to be ok with the fact that we are all here to serve as teachers for each other,
often having to make mistakes and be left with wisdom.
It's specially hard to know that animals (as well as children) are often
casualties for this learning, as we can't expect to know what to do until we are faced
with a specific situation we have never faced before,
and in the process of solving it, we can certainly count on unwise behavior,
out of ignorance (everything is a learning, remember?)
It is my hope that Creator makes everything ever so perfect that those who come
to teach us are able to withstand the storms we cause while we learn.
There's so much pain here but also so much beauty here.
I was thinking today how much I tried to do good by my dogs.
How I dedicated completely and unconditionally to have a place where they were
most comfortable and away from annoying humans who taxed us before
complaining even about natural dog communication aka barks, as if dogs are supposed
to be silent, even when taunted (as mine were, constantly, when I lived in a rental).
I gave the foods I thought were ideal, I took them to vets as often as I felt needed,
only to, years later, in their elder years, learn that I could have done
something else (not have gone to the vet), which could have prolonged their lives and made them
healthier (please see this group for more info).
THIS ARTWORK IS AVAILABLE. Interested? Comment below, or send me a message.
For certain, I loved them with all I had, and still do.
For certain, they became my life, my goal, my destination.
For certain, we had a really good, calm, happy life, once all stress was gone.
For certain, here with me, in this place, isolated from "the world", they were free to be.
Almost 10 years of that, for which I have to be ever so grateful.
Minor some snafus; again, due to ignorance on my part. But always based on wanting to do
good, and to love them, and to be so scared of losing them that I fell into denial.
I hope they forgive me each and every time I failed in the end.
I was in pain. I was anxious. I was panicking for the upcoming loss.
Suffering in advance. I wasn't balanced. I fought what could not win, and didn't surrender.
And I had outside influence, joining me in complaints about the hardships of life.
I don't excuse myself. Not one bit. But the grace I give myself is that I did as I knew how.
These dogs were the first I raised alone, the first I had to see departing.
I am still scared of witnessing death.
Because of that fear, I promised I would never have another dog. But I got another dog.
There's a part of me that works independently of the other.
One is heart, one is mind.
The heart part of me knows that life is only good when shared with a dog.
It knows I need a dog as much as a dog needs me.
That part of me got me another dog and my fear has me sometimes wondering how it will be
when this dog departs.
The mind is who worries, way before the situation presents itself.
This side of me was greatly transmitted through genes and watching family members react.
My childhood, and particularly my teenage and younger years were ridden with
angst, internalized, hidden, masked.
I recently had a memory pop back up of my grandmother giving me sugar water, often.
It's a home remedy they used to calm down a child.
What was I doing that she felt she had to calm me down with sugar water?
I don't recall.
I miss all of the animals I've called "mine" at any point.
I've been here almost 60 years.
I aim to do better each day, with the things I am constantly learning.
Not for anyone to praise me; not for admiration.
But for my own redemption, for all of the times I fell short while learning.
And I am aware that I'm still judging myself when I say that.
Because how else are we going to learn the "right" way unless we do it "wrong" first?
(C) 2026 Cris Melo / Melo Earth
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