They say "don't say anything if you are angry"
I want to.
I want to burn bridges so I won't see certain faces again.
People who cause me pain are often looking as if they feel some sick pleasure from seeing me react.
That's nothing new, I have been in this predicament all my life.
For so many years I had physical problems, starting in childhood, and up to my last relationship, ended 8 years ago this month. And when I look at all of them from he perspective of a nearly 60 year old woman (my God, I just can't deal with human time concept anymore because this is nuts), I think they all happened from my wrecked emotional state.
How confused, disappointed, and scared inside I have been since I was birthed here.
I had nobody I could trust to talk about what went on inside.
Even siblings blame me for "not being present" when that was never my job, freaks. It was our parents job and it was undone. None of us had the support we needed so desperately. Don't come to my empty vessel to try to fill your empty vessel.
And to this day, the situation remains the same.
It's not about food, and not about money.
It's about having a gentle heart and no one has it.
It's about looking at the other and not just at self, and everyone looks at self.
The kinds of old songs I am still hearing sound awful to my ears.
My brain implodes, my back hurts, my heart aches that I am still putting myself in a targeted position to hear the old whining.
I am not speaking figuratively when I say that you all have caused me to lose my desire to live, many times. I never told you this, maybe. But you have been a source of depression.
I know, I know, it's me who lets you do that. It's me who opens up access for you to perform your hideous show.
And why do I do this? I have no more excuses.
Right now, I am learning how to determine what's my life vs. what's other people's lives and choices. Things that don't belong to me that I once thought I could or should help with.
I am learning what's mine to do, what a life of an individual means, and the value of peace of mind at all times. I'm educating myself in slow living, gratitude feeling, being ok with the bare basics, and not chasing. That means the elimination of fear and living from trust and zero doubt.
This is the first time I do this whereas I can see results showing up in my life.
The energy I was putting in others, flooding back to me. My attention, focused on me.
And no, this is not egotism. It's meeting me for the first time and saying "I"m yours now".
With grace and dedication. No regrets. No expectations, nothing to prove. Relaxation and living in the now moment.
Everything else and everyone can go fuck themselves.
(written from a self care perspective, not from anger; because anger is no longer a control tool others have over me)
I still wanna go to the place I visited once, so quickly, and felt a love I can't express in words of any human language. Some call it "near death". I know that has to be what Heave feels like. I long to return. I have never felt so loved and carefree and devoid of all burdens and weight as I did there, for the few seconds I visited. I sure hope that's where all of my animal friends are, that I KNOW I will be reunited with.
But until my time comes back around, I will live here with calm and silence, tending to this time I have waited for, that I knew would come. The time is now, and it's set up with everything I need, and plenty of opportunity for me to do me and to immerse in this life I am creating now, my last chapter. It could be that this is the one before the last and I won't tell out loud what the last chapter could be because it's my business and distant dream only, between me and God. Whether last or prior to last, this is MY life. It's mine, and I'm going to see what I can do with it now. Now that everyone has made themselves clear as to how they think, feel, and consider me.
Dear mean people with cold hearts: kindly fuck off.
I get it, you don't like me. So you are free to go. Don't hesitate.
No hard feelings. Let's cut the cord.
May God bless your path because I won't. I can't. It's killing me.
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(C) 2025 Cris Melo / Melo Earth
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