Alone and Ok

Every day is an adventure and not every adventure is joyous.
Something happened today as soon as I woke up.
I then went on a process - that I have been practicing - to help myself to deal with my little problem all by myself. No more reaching out to people who don't care or who secretly or not so secretly rejoice upon seeing me struggle.

Some people call this "being independent".

I am only independent as self protection. I do wish I had people who truly cared.
But being dependent did not pay off well. And being co-dependent was my demise.

I tried many times in life asking for help, but being vulnerable is seen as weak and fragile. Many see your fragility as an opportunity to pounce of a hurting thing and make it hurt more. 
To one-up. To take down and step on. 
For no reason other than the outward expression of how they feel inside.

Even knowing this, it hurts, and hurting is not what I seek to feel anymore.
Now I seek to eliminate the hurtful thoughts because my body can't take sadness more than the ones I have to bear, simply because they are mine. Like losing my dogs...something I can't ignore or push aside and it belongs to me, to my story, to my life.

The problem I woke up with worried me.
But not for long. Because in my disarrayed method of holding myself together today I went through various scenarios. I was so tempted to reach out and include people in my rage...to disrupt their day. But I didn't. I didn't! Wee! 

One reason I did not is that I am not a singled-out-being experiencing things on my own. I'm part of a whole and many people in this whole are going through to worse things. If I suffer, others do too. If I become courageous and rely on my ability to deal, others will too. So I choose the latter. That's my contribution today.

Sometimes visualizing emotions is the only thing I need to do. I don't actually need to act up on them physically. Just play the movie in my head: challenging people to see the truth of what they did.

The goal, though, is to not need to do that. To not need to see anyone else as "responsible" for what ill fate I may have. Because nothing is absolute. Nothing is just one thing. The fact that I don't have much is the reason I have peace. The fact that people are far and away is something I had asked for. I am blessed in many ways. 

Besides, I have been shown that energy is real. Energy does the work and the physical act would only be redundant. So I wailed and I envisioned yelling at some people. I expressed my fears and my sense of abandonment, and then I looked at myself and noticed I was playing the victimized child again and I told myself I don't need to do that. And then I went on to solve my "problem" with the tools I have learned. One of them was a video of Louise Hay, which popped up yesterday, teaching how to recite some words upon the "problem".

And, soon, I had a plan  of action on how to deal with the problem. I don't feel that I am any different than others in how much I lack or how much I perceive myself to be in need and my own resources to solve problems. Messages of simplicity and a slow life come with a reminder that this life is not easy but one can certainly make it harder by how one thinks and I decided, out of my sheer will (power) to think better thoughts. 

So the whole drama played out inside my mind only, and tears came out. And in the end, a lovely soundtrack to put me back into a calm state.

What will be will be. What is, is. I can't control anything. So why bother to worry or be upset? People are who they are, they will do what they will do, and nothing here belongs to us; it's all borrowed. How people behave speaks more clearly than their best words.

I swear, what I always go to when I need to stop feeling sorry for myself is to the animals. They have nothing. They hold onto nothing. Even the ones with the worst fates somehow adapt or are very graceful in how they deal and how they die because of it. 

So why would I think I am so special that I can't deal with it with as much grace and as much quietude as the animals? A sick animal retreats to a corner and goes to sleep; it waits up for the healing. They don't wail, they don't cause chaos only to relieve themselves/vent temporarily. They do the ultimate thing that works and deal with it by waiting. By themselves.

I've seen this too many times, and I aim to learn and practice.

That's too many words now. Too many. Back to silence.

[my blog posts are written in stream of consciousness style, without editing or revision. There will be typos, mistakes, TMI, and redundancies - if you don't like, feel free to not come back here]

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