It's hard to have conversations over the phone. These phones make me exhausted. Ok, wait. Any phones ever have made me exhausted after my teenage days. I don't like using them.
But once started, once I get on a phone call, it's hard to stop the conversation. This is what makes me tired. I engage and detach from my body. Then, when I hang up, I notice the fatigue.
I used to spend lots of time playing with myself as a kid. Not having to talk but to be inside my head in imagination land was so good for me. And interacting with other kids wasn't, usually. I was comfortable only with those I gelled with which were few and those familiar, safe ones were a haven. Then we moved and I would move on. Back in those days, we didn't have internet and it wasn't easy to stay in touch. No car. Not even a phone sometimes and phones were expensive to use. Each minute cost. At one point, the phone in our house had a lock. My mom would do that. Now, imagine the desperation to have to lock a phone... so we learned how to make calls by tapping like a morse code. It worked!
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Today it's day 3 of nursing my dying dog, Red. My last dog. Probably my last dog ever.
There are a few key reasons why I likely won't have dogs again.
- Emotional distress at the end of life stage. I get so attached, I can't bear losing them. Even knowing that death is part of living, I can't deal with the void they leave. Their personality is unique and I miss every single one with intensity and so much longing. I never stop grieving their absense in the physical form. And I pray for one thing: that it's true that we all get to be together again in spirit when I exit this plane. That is all I want: to be with all of my animals that I've had in my lifetime. Those I didn't do right by, that taught me to become better - a process that continues, as learning never ends.
- The proper feeding which demands me to purchase other animals who suffered and cut them up. Being vegan because I adore all animals has meant that I often avoided walking by the "meat" department in the grocery store. Sometimes I cried, other times I held back the tears. Looking at the body parts is terribly sad and horrifying. So, with that deep stance, I overcame and felt that it was my responsibility, now that I knew better and had learned to not depend on convenience (my own living situation taught me that), I had to force myself, for the rest of their lives, to feed them properly, which meant buying dead animals and cleaning off the fat. As disgusted as I initially was, I got more used to it but I had to dissociate every time I did it.
Anyway, this is my last dog and she's in her final stages of life as I type. Then there are the cats who also need meat and bones. I feed 8 and 3 outsiders come at least once a day to get fed too.
And I am feeding the dreadful convenient kibbles. Will I feed them meat? They do love it. They always stood around as I fed the dogs and by now they love it. So what to do? if this is something I didn't want to do anymore, same as the dogs, the cats also deserve to be fed real food. But cats live for 20-30 years! I can't, for the life of me, think about buying "meat" for that long. But here's the cray thing: kibbles is dead animals too. The worst of it. I will refrain to speak about the dog/cat content in kibbles (look up "pet rendering"); the reality is that it's the same thing but worse. Just convenient, as I don't have to look at blood and flesh which gives me the feeling of disconnection.
There's no way around it unless I didn't have any carnivore pets.
But I do. IDK what I'll be doing. This sucks. But I'm the only person they have to feed them.
Someone in my fam said "oh, cats find other ppl to feed them". No, that's now how it goes. I don't have the heart to abandon animals. In fact, years ago I made a promise to myself and God that I would never do that again (as I have a few too many times in my past). And no, there are no other people. I know at least 2 people aside from me in the hood that feed their own cat colony. I am sure they are at their limit, financially. It costs money! and kibbles or meat aren't cheap! But I would never force these cats to displace and have to go find a new situation where they would be fed because no, all sort of things would happen to them. Death, for most, if not all. They are used to being here. This is their home. I am all they know and they depend on me.
DISCLAIMER: I write "stream of consciousness" style. I don't go back to edit and I write the way I think. If you can't deal with it, read other blogs. Thank you to those who appreciate my posts.
I feel I might be a tad repetitive because my mind takes a long time to process things and so one issue might be in my mind for a good while. Right now, this is what's playing out.
Did I say here that I have lost 4 pets since April of 2024? This being the 5th one. I am so exhausted emotionally because it's been a layer cake of grief without even having had time to process even the first dog I lost, my soul dog Rudy. He was my reason to live. And that's another thing: these dogs have been my sole purpose for 12 years or so. I'm feeling lost at the moment. What now? is what my entire being feels. And I'm filled with sadness and tiredness.
Photo: RUDY AND I in 2015. True love.
EDIT: my Red passed this morning. I saw the final very shallow breath and watched my baby's life ending. I'll make a post about it in a couple of days.
The past 1.5 year has taken all of my dogs away. I am so sad.
Even happy songs make me cry.
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(C) 2025 Cris Melo / Melo Earth
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