Truth and Tears

 "One of the biggest reasons that people avoid doing important internal work is that they recognize (that) if they heal themselves, their lives will change, sometimes drastically.  If they come to terms with how unhappy they are, it means that they will have to temporarily be more uncomfortable, ashamed, or scared while they start all over. To put an end to your self sabotaging behavior absolutely means that change is on the horizon.
Your new life is going to cost you your old one. it's coing to cost you your comfort zone and your sense of direction. 
It's going to cost you relationships and friends. It's going to cost you beign liked and understood.

It doesn't matter.
The people who are meant for you are going to meet you on the other side. You are going to build a new comfort zone around the things that actually move you forward.

Instead of being liked, you are going to be loved.
Instead of being understood, you are going to be seen! 

All you are going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are.
Remaining attached to your old life is the first and final act of self sabotage, and releasing it is what we must prepare for to truly be willing to see real change." 

End of chapter one in "The Mountain is You" by Brianna Wiest
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I have had a very intense week. Intense in a good way, despite having been crying daily again. 
I am still deep into the making peace with losing pets, and how I lost them. I still didn't finished grieving for my soul dog, and then there were others.

This sort of thing, I positively affirm, I will never get over. I have made comments in posts by people who grieve over having lost humans that, to me, nothing is like losing a pet. Some think this is disrespect but if you are emotionally mature and have high EQ, you know it's not.

And it's not just dogs, it's all my pets since I was a kid. Every single one has hurt tremendously, even though I know that death is not the end. It's the not beign able to see, touch, hear them, and how it ended, as I said, that hurts so much. But, also, even though I know it's not the end, the unknown factor of "will I see them again?" for which no one has an answer - and trust me, I have asked tons of people. Answers are varied and some are skeptical and I don't care for those statements. A famous person in the oc-cult zone has said that animals don't have individual souls. Bullshit. 

Anyway, it's this, and the human-caused pain that I see everyone hurting from that also make me sad. And I cry, just randomly, for this and that reason, sometimes even from seeing the pain of others being so intense, as I have been there too. Not that mine is not intense. Still is, and always will be. I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person) and always have been. 

I'm learning to live with this, to be ok with crying for 10-15 mins and then going about my day, or crying for a whole day, on and off, and still going about my day. Or an entire week, like this one, and only doing the basic things. It's going to rain again and I need to work this weekend at putting stuff away that should not get wet. That's a big task when you don't have places to put things. I have places with roofs that are leaking so tarps, I guess. 

I was about to go to bed when I saw something on IG (linking so you can read the post).
Here's the video from the post: 

 

Here are my words that go with this video: 

"Why I accepted the emotional chaos that was our relationship, and was very damaged  by it, at the same time, on top of all that I had been through before?

Chaos was familiar, and all of it fucked me up.  

Being alone is my last hope of ending my life in a better way than all the years before now have been. I really hate arguments, noise, empty conversations just to make noise, anger, complaining, and desensitized people. Even though I have mimicked all of these behaviors before I was in a situation where I could look at my life away from those who perpetuated and instigated these behaviors, therefore keeping me wrapped up in the stress that kills. And I did die. That person I was is gone. Thank God."

I was compelled to send these words to someone, but I did not. There's a thing in me of wanting to get apologies and recognition of pain caused by others which I am working diligently to stop doing this. It matters not if they recognize or feel sorry for anything. 

I no longer need that to be the case. I have realized that part of me needed that pain so that a new me would be born. I had to make peace with time lost by thiking in a different way about time. I see time as a construct that matters little now. Because it doesn't end with the demise of my body. I have all the time in the world and beyond.

The video moved me deeply because that child is me. That was and has been my life, in my nuclear family, family at large, father and mother's side, as well as 2 decades of living in a culture that promotes drama and yelling, and enmeshment as "love". And, later, also what I unconsciously chose to relive in "love affairs". The same original suffering, repeated.

All of that stress got me so fucked up, emotionally, because I didn't know WTF was happening until I was yanked away from it all. Then I could think. Then I could see how damaged I was. I was blessed, as Creator kept sending me pertinent info intensely, frequently, and deeply - so I could do the work. 

And I did. And I am doing it.

I've grown a lot in the past 10 years.

Losing dogs has been waking me up to the life I am leading now. Every single one has made a tremendous difference. I learn from my dogs in life and in death.

Until we meet again, you who loved me so purely and so loyally.