The Days Before Winter

Sep 9

Autumn aka Fall has arrived. IDK what the calendar says but, to me, the first rain marks the season, and the first rain was yesterday. A shower only but promised to be followed by thunderstorms today, tomorrow, and on and on. 

Today I woke up and did not see the rising sun. Clouds hid him. Just a month or so ago I was baking in the hot sun and wishing for rain and cooler temps. Now the cooler temps have arrived and I miss the sun.

Are we ever happy with what is? I'm trying but it's not simple. The sun, when missing, causes my body to before fearful. My brain starts to think dreadful thoughts about winter. Cold, storms, being alone. I had to notice my breath when these thoughts were fogging my brain. Sure thing, I was breathing extremelly shallow. I fixed that, and I also fixed my thoughts. I am not alone. I have help. I have people who will assist me if I need assistance. I'm not alone, brain. Stop torturing yourself, dummy. 
Besides, we will have a mild winter this time. I have faith in that. 
 
My beloved black dog died on 8/20/25. It hasn't been a month yet. This time I am not counting the days like I did whem my soul dog died in 2024. It is too painful. Plus, my sense of time has changed so much.

It does feel so raw. I cried in the grocery store yesterday listening to songs playing in the background. Gah, I hate having to shop with music. Whomever invented this was successful because most grocery stores do it. The local grocery stores, the locally owned ones, don't do it. Shopping in quietude so I can pay attention to what I am shopping for - what a concept! 

So I cried the rest of the day, and today again. Because the day is not sunny, and because I called someone who's become so unreasonable, so uncaring, so unloving - my heart is shattered about all of these things. And I can't do this, I can't be sad because I need to get things done and sadness makes me want to withdraw, to dissociate from the things of this world until my day to leave arrives. Can't. I have the present, each day to live, and I am doing that because I - and other beings - depend on me. 

I went on a walk in the woods alone with my grieving girl dog last evening. Last time I was there I had two dogs. And the time before that I had 3. 



Fleeting....

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