The Life is Magical.

April 17

Cecil Brunner in full bloom. Many buds still to open but it's in full peak, considering that the first ones to open have dropped their petals. The end is in sight but still lots to go. I have lots of youtube videos, though it's impossible to capture the glory of this rose bush because it spans a long part of the garden. It's about 10 feet wide, at least. I'll be training it to get on the tree that divides the front garden from the main garden. 

If only my home was fixed, or at least painted a pretty color (I am currently considering a bright green, similar to the leaves of my hollyhock), it would be an amazing sight but, as dilapidated at it is, I only share pics and video that doesn't show the house. I do love my home, though, dilapidated and all. It has been good to me. It has protected me and it's my cocoon.

I wish I had spell checker here so forgive me for any typos.

Today, extreme cute surprise: ladybug babies birth! I saw at least 3 or 4 tiny babies, and they were tryign to fly! Flapping wings like little birds but did not take flight. They didn't even have any dark marks ont them. Just bright red and so tiny. They were mostly on my Rose Of Sharon plant, which is going to be amazing too but it's still far from its show. Right now, the leaves just opened up fully. 

Everything is so amazing right about now. The incredible shades of green, from plants in my yard, to the ones in the neigbouring lots, to as far as the mountains afar...when I take it all in in one glance, I get chills of happiness. At the same time, my brain is already telling me how fast this whole thing goes. It's already bothering me with "next winter" and all the things I must get done before then. And if I don't, it shames me, it fills me with fear. Why? because there is one structural issue that I have been postponing. And then an issue that causes water to seep into the house when it rains and it causes mold. 

This year I have started addressing the trash that was left all over this place when a partial demolishion was done. SO MUCH TRASH. It doesn't make me feel good. Actually, it makes me feel very very bad. Who likes to live amidst trash? I tell ya, I don't. But I have needed the last 8 years to recover from what came before that, and I won't get into it here but I'll just say it left me half dead. I had no energy, no vitality, no ability to manage anything at all. Everything was overwhelming. I had no capability for the big things, and even for small ones. For a couple of years I could only stare at the void of what I had become, and wait. Time would have to work its magic on me. 

Such it is in the mind that's been shattered by trauma and mine has had it since birth. Scattered events, at first, and when I started dating it was a steady stream until now, that my dating days are over.

This is not an invitation for anyone to pity me. It's just fact. Born a highly sensitive has caused me to collect grief through life and only now I feel well enough to come up for air. 

Soon, I get to monetize my video channel. It happened in March but there was a snafu. I'm burning my brain, coming up with ideas and scripts of what to do. Meanwhile, I have lots of garden and furbabies videos.