April changed everything.

For the past 12 years I've had this little creature follow me around everywhere. He followed me so close that I would often forget to check around my feet and thought I'd lost him...I'd panic, until I'd look straight down and there he was. Rudy was a delight to my heart and I don't know how this is going to work without him. I will grieve for the rest of my life. I just know that. Because he and I were one.

I have written so much since this happened. Insights, learning, having to confess my feels on paper. I've watched so many videos, seeking to overstand, and maybe to ease up the weight that is over my heart. I did find mentioning of things I am feeling, and the fact that others feel these things makes me feel less alone but nothing eases up the weight of this.

A friend gave me a very raw account of what happened to each of her pack of dogs, leading to their departure. She said to me that each person has their own way of grieving and that nothing anyone says will help anyone else. I agree. This is the kind of thing we are alone with. And as much as this bleeds us, there is no way around it but through.

Feeling it all: regret, guilt, disbelief, denial, panic...

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